It's Not My Jam

I've been reading my friend's recently published book over the last few weeks - and yes, it's taken me weeks since it's been a struggle for me. It's a story about heartbreak, specifically her own after the break-up of a six-year long-distance relationship. One of the reasons it's been a bit of a slog for me is that I knew her partner (although I only met him a couple of times, and both times at parties) and, more importantly, I had to experience the split through her eyes - and through drink-soaked evenings at her local pub at the end of her street that revolved around her lamentations on a lost loved. I know much of the story already, and it was tough and tiresome for me to experience the first time around. Having to relive it, well, maybe I just don't have the requisite stomach for it. In the end, the book is not meant for me. I'm not the intended target audience. Truthfully, she's trying to reach but one person: her ex-beloved, who she thinks will read this memoir and come to his senses and come back to her.

But it does have me pondering some of my own heartbreaks. After all, in my friend's book, the one reference she makes of me is scoffing that her heartbreak is more devastating than any of mine. We've all had them, if we've lived a proper live. (Even my good friend DC, who has carried the curse of being attracted to "unattainables," has had to deal with the heartbreak of unrequited affections, which might be the worst of all.) Like many, my first experience with heartbreak was early, in grade 8. I was so smitten with her, Allison (I had to google to see if her name had one l or two), and a mutual friend introduced us formally at a school dance. She looked at me with some disdain, and walked away. And crazily, even though we went to the same high school for five years after that, we never once spoke. I still admired her from afar, but it remained that way through my teenaged years. I'm pretty sure I saw her at one of my local coffee shops when I was in my early 20s and living in my tiny bachelor apartment in the Annex - we share a mutual friend and she's confirmed that Allison has lived her whole life in Toronto, and in fact now lives somewhere in the same neighbourhood - but that's been it. Would I today have the courage to say hi if I saw her on the street? Hmm, good question. She was the first of a number of unrequited (and, let's face it, harmless) heartbreaks early on: Lauren, Lee, Arianne ... hmm, there are probably more, but maybe it's best if they've been relegated to the deepest recesses of my brain.

I experienced heartbreak for the first as an adult when my relationship with AE ended. We had been together for only a year and it began under straining circumstances: an affair she had with me when she started back at work after her maternity leave. In fact, I was her six-month replacement while on leave and sat at her desk! (She ended up landing a different editorial position so I was kept on.) We had such an easy chemistry, had a similar sense of humour and sensibility, and we were both feeling alone: I was single and lonely, and she felt a bit lost in her marriage. Timing is everything, but breaking up a family is probably not the ideal way to begin a relationship. Still, it worked for a good long time (a year does seem like a long time when one is in their mid-20s) but I was also thrust into a "grown up" role (since she had a young daughter - worse still, she had to be in a cast for a couple of months to realign her hips) that I was not prepared for. It finally ended somewhat dramatically when we got thrown out (for reasons that are too difficult to explain concisely) of the SkyDome during a Blue Jays game. I remember her being angry and just walking away from me. This was not the first time she walked away like that, but it was the first I didn't follow after her, but instead just let her go. It took me a long time to recover from her - it didn't help that we still worked together (although thankfully she found another job a couple of months later) - and I was still lamenting her a full year later when I was in France for a couple of weeks in the summer to attend a wedding. But in time, the hurt started to subside, my fragile emotional state was on the mend, and I recovered. I still feel a pang when I see her (not very often) but I feel I'm better for the experience: not just the deep love I felt for her (the deepest I had at that time; I still retain a muscle memory of holding her body one evening in my apartment in the Annex, marvelling at how we just "fit"), but also for demonstrating the flip side, of missing a person so desperately. And for showing me that an emotional scar is not necessarily a bad thing to carry around.

Loves listed

It's Valentine's Day today, a day that has traditionally been hit or miss with me. And not all the misses are what you might think: when I was single and lamenting that I had no one to share the day with. In fact, some of the worst misses have been when I've been in a relationship on Feb. 14. (The worst: the first and only one with AE, who compared my commitment to the importance of the day unfavourably to her soon-to-be ex-husband, who she said used to go all out on V-Day. "Great," I said, "then maybe I'll adjust my attitude and treat you like a queen on the 14th, and shit for the rest of the year." I did end up buying her some roses later that day.) Truthfully, I've always struggled with these "gift giving" days: Valentine's, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, etc. It causes me stress and anxiety, figuring out what to buy, how much is appropriate to spend, whether the gift I'm buying will be both wanted and enjoyed. I've been told to ease up on myself and not put undue pressure on myself, but I can't help it. It seems to be in my DNA.

I was pondering the other day about crushes. After all, we all love a good crush - and for most of us, we have a long history with them, going back to the earliest days of our childhoods when we started to become attracted to others in our social circle. We probably couldn't articulate it that time - hell, most of us still struggle to figure out how attraction works! - but it just felt ... different. I remember the names of my earliest crushes, going back to when I was just a kid: Dani-Ann (although I have no idea if that's how she spelled her name - she was the girl that lived on the French side of the street), Heidi (first girl I ever kissed!), Kim (the first girl I ever went to see a movie with, at Fairview Mall in Pointe Claire, to see the classic disco-meets-basketball film The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh). I wonder if these early ones stand out because they also had crushes on me? Or at least they must have since they allowed me to hang out with them. Surely there were others that went unreciprocated, which is perhaps why they have largely faded from memory. (Incidentally, both Heidi and Kim are today super-close friends, and I've reconnected with them via Facebook.) 

I've been fortunate to have had a number of fantastic long(ish)-term romantic relationships, going back to what was really my first: SG (initials only from here on in), where we spent a glorious summer between high school and the start of undergrad, staying up until dawn almost every day/evening, chatting, French kissing and touching each other. I lost my virginity with her as well, although, admittedly, our sex life was never stellar. (Sometimes I wonder if that experience set up a negative journey for me in terms of pleasures of the flesh. Although man SG had wonderful skin!) The others, in order (who I'd like to write about at some length in future posts): TS, AE, MG, AT, SB. (I'm worried I'm forgetting somebody here!) But then there are the crushes, at least the ones from the last dozen years or so and that did lead to some short(ish)-term romances. And by that, I mean there was nudity involved. In no particular order: ME, KH, MC, KL, AB, JF, MR. And there at least two (AD and JL) that I didn't act upon, so I never knew if they were interested or not. (I would be remiss if I didn't mention the one that made me a mite heartbroken since it wasn't reciprocated: RC.)

I know this isn't as much of an ode to all these amazing women as it should be. They will at some point receive their own posts - watch this space. 

The one additional point I wanted to make about crushes: I wish there was some type of means where I could have all the names of those who had a crush on me over the years. More important, whether there was a mutual crush interest that neither one of us acted upon. What were my missed opportunities? Maybe there's a lesson to be learned: that we shouldn't be coy or shy or hide these affections, although of course we might not always be in a situation where revealing ones feelings is ideal. I know that's happened to me on a few occasions. Anyway, really just food for thought.

In the meantime, Happy Valentine's Day to all out there!

The struggles

 I won't lie: this research leave has not been going as well as I had planned or hoped. I'm trying to cut myself some serious slack, given the emotional turbulence of the final couple of months of last year. And the continued melancholy that I've been fighting. (This is largely self created, of course, because of my own personality flaws with respect to relationships and commitment.) I need to find my rhythm and keep it consistent. More writing in the morning, for example - and even if I don't feel like I'm in the mood, to push through regardless. And then reading in the afternoon, when my energy levels tend to be a bit lower. Having a dog in my life has naturally complicated my routine, but I just need to include her in a more-disciplined daily schedule. It can't be that hard. (Having a cat while on leave was a lot less complicated.)

So let's start afresh next week. To the weekend.

Rejection(s)

 Eleven days between posts - that's not to brag about...

And just a short post today to reflect on rejection. It sucks.

Goal addition

 I have another goal to add my 2023 list: to see more live music. It seems especially important given the last couple of years when the majority of live shows were wiped out. Things have been coming back for a while, but because of various commitments and responsibilities, I haven't been attending as many concerts since live music has returned. I was out at the Pilot this past Saturday to see (and hear!) the Teri Parker Quartet, which was good fun. I took my usual spot, at the bar. (They finally charge a cover for the jazz at the Pilot; it's been a long time coming, and I think a welcome addition. It certainly hasn't deterred attendance as the place was busy, albeit with pretty much the same audience from the pre-pandemic years. It's sad when my attendance brings down the age demographic.) I'm going to aim to see at least one show every week over the coming year. What with the Pilot and the Rex, along with other venues like the Tranzac and the Jazz Bistro, not to mention being on leave until the summer, this seems manageable and achievable. It will also require me to keep abreast of shows happening in the city, but again that doesn't seem like too much of an onerous chore.

Are they resolutions? Or goals? Or wishful thinking?

I can't believe that even though I reinitiated this blog at the beginning of a calendar year, I've yet to do the most obvious of posts: establishing some New Year's Resolutions. I've never taken to the word resolution, however, and have often used goals in its stead. Truthfully, I'm not sure I've undertaken this exercise in a while - certainly not since Covid, surely rationalizing that the pandemic might not be the ideal time to be setting goals and milestones. "Just getting through this" would have been all I would have been able to muster. But in the spirit of the new year and new hopes and possibilities, let me see if I can whip up a good old fashioned list for 2023. (And despite the temptation, I'll resist stating the obvious goal, courtesy of H. from many years ago: "Less fretting, more fucking.")

1. Read more novels. Or, really, read more in general. It's shameful how my leisure reading has dropped off so markedly over the last few years. I was reminiscing the other day on my relationship with A., especially back in its infancy, around 2008, when I had such a great reading rhythm. It's when I discovered Roberto Bolano, for example, and gorged on his work. (I even read Savage Detectives twice!) And looking back on pasts blogs, and seeing the books I was going through, I was simply more engaged with reading. Of course I still read, and a lot: the news, stuff for work, magazines (many of them New York based, such as NY Review of Books, the New Yorker, the NYT Magazine - maybe I should have lived there!), and still consider myself a "reader." But not to the extent that I once was, so let's see myself do something about that. This should also include buying more books, particularly Canadian works and from small presses. Stay tuned!

2. Being more true to myself. I know, this seems soft, but in fact this is probably the most difficult one for me to achieve. I won't give a long discourse on this one as it's a goal that requires more explanatory posts!

3. Spend more time with my mother, and generally be in touch with her more often. This is fairly obvious, given the recent death of my father - again, a topic that needs a full blog entry. 

4. Spend more time with friends. I've been out of the socializing habit since Covid - although, frankly, I think I was out of practice prior to 2020. I've got some quality friends, and they are generally fun to be with. 

5. Explore more areas outside of the city. Now that I have greater access to a vehicle, I need to use it to venture out on weekend (and weekday!) excursions more often. Maybe stay overnight in a few places in Ontario? Now there's a thought.

Five seems like a good number to start with for now.

The Morning Muse

I've long maintained that my ideal time to write - or to think or to read or to ruminate - is the morning. During my first research leave, I tried to discipline myself where I would write e-mails and work on things that required my deepest attention right after my breakfast and while having my coffee, and then spend most of the afternoon reading. (I had to do a lot of reading for that project.) I will probably try something similar for this leave, even though I'm still very much easing my way in so far. There will be some challenges to that routine: the dog and her required morning jaunts is one (the dog walker took her before 10am today), and not (at least yet) being settled in one location. There's also the ease of distraction and procrastination too, of course! Along with my penchant for multi-tasking. Even as I write this, I also have an e-mail to a friend in Montreal I'm writing, and compiling a list in my head of others I need to reach out to. 

I'm also thinking of topics I want to cover with this blog. My research work of course will play a big role, but since I'm largely anonymous in this space, it will provide me some latitude to riff on some personal topics. I also want to bring back a feature from a previous blog: to chronicle some of the books or articles I'm reading and the music I'm listening to. It's a good way to look back on what my eyes and ears were enjoying. 

Reading: An article in the New Yorker on the English writer Rosemary Tonks, who was an acclaimed poet in the 1960s who not only "dropped out" of the literary scene in the 1970s when she became a fundamentalist Christian but who also actively sought to destroy her work. New Directions has recently published her novel The Bloater. I also have Jennifer Egan's new novel The Candy House on the go, although I only just cracked the spine.

Listening: I tried listening to Bjork's recent recording Fossora this morning, but my headspace wasn't there. I've switched my Spotify to a playlist of new and forthcoming ECM releases - that's usually a good means to find artists I've never heard of. 

Watching: Finished watching the John McEnroe documentary last night. It was mostly meh. 

Watch this space...

It's been a long time since I last posted - since my last research leave, in fact. So it seems like a good time, now that I'm again on a leave, to begin posting again. I'm still sort-of in holiday vacation mode and not in the proper headspace to write something either interesting or intelligent - my goal of course is to achieve both at the same time! - so basically I'm putting a bookmark in place. Please return!

All good things must eventually end

So it's my final full day in Paris. When I arrived exactly a month ago, I thought to myself, "Wow, a whole month in Paris!" And of course now that I leave tomorrow, my thoughts are more along the lines of, "Wow, this whole month has felt like a blur." Not entirely, of course, but it's amazing how quick and fast four weeks can go. It's been a great trip, for sure, although let's face it: I didn't get as much work done as I hoped or envisioned, although I also probably shouldn't be all that surprised about that either. I'm in Paris, after all, where distractions are around every historical corner of the city. While I'm going to miss being here, I also feel ready to come home. It's time - especially because the upcoming month will be crunch time to finish the work I need to complete (my deadline is essentially five weeks away, although there are other looming deadlines after that). Did I get to do all things I wanted to while I was here? Mostly, although there was no trip to the Louvre. But there was the Musee d'Orsay, which I still think is one of the finest in the world. And Centre Pompidou, both for the permanent collections (which I had never before visited) and the fantastic David Hockney exhibition. A trip out to Versailles to visit the gardens. And, most of all, just a lot of walking about, which is always my favourite travel activity. Add to that some good meals and good wine, and it all points to a well-spent month away.

Dreams

So a strange (although that's probably not the precise word) development here during my first week in Paris. (Because of some mix up and communication issues, I'm still at the first apartment and cat sitting; I'm off to the other flat later this afternoon though where I can set up shop for three full weeks. It will be nice to unpack my clothes fully, to stock the cupboards with food and wine, and basically set up "home" for my remaining stay. It feel like it's already moving too fast!) I've mostly been sleeping well, but I've been having some of the craziest dreams - and about a couple of different women that I haven't thought of for years, and ones that I've had crushes on in the past. One of them is someone I've seen a couple of times over the last few weeks at two different events - she's not someone I technically "know" as I've never had a conversation with her, and she wouldn't know me from Adam, but she's someone I "know of." We travel in similar circles, basically.

Can there be a simple explanation for this? I don't have an answer. Maybe it's tied to the fact I'm spending a lot of time alone right now, and I crave some (mainly female) companionship? Does it have anything to do with the Bordeaux I'm drinking, or the fresh baguettes I'm gobbling up? I'm not complaining about this development, of course. It's just interesting to note, and something I'm going to pay attention to. (I don't usually chronicle my dreams, which means I usually forget them fully a few hours after I awake.)

Otherwise the first week has been a good one. I've got some work done, I've done some running (along the Seine no less), I've had some good food and wine, I cycled around the city this past weekend. In some ways I still feeling I'm settling in to a pace - hopefully by the time I do fully settle in, it won't be time to leave!

En Paris

Bonjour! Once again, I'll resist the temptation to apologize for not being a more dedicated blogger and keeping my (albeit very few) followers up to speed on my thoughts (such as they are) and movements. But I do have one major update on the latter: I'm in Paris, and for the month. It's something I had been thinking about since last year, when my research leave got the official nod from administration. Why Paris? Well, the short answer is "why not?" Truthfully - and I know this is going to probably sound ridiculous and privileged, especially given that I have an entire year where I don't have to drag my ass to work every morning - I feel this trip is a bit of a necessity for me. I was beginning to get into something of a rut and becoming "stale" with both work and life in general. I needed some disruption to my routine, and being in Paris by myself for the month will surely provide such disruption.

That said, I still plan on following a basic routine over the next four weeks. (Well, less so this week as I officially took it as a vacation week.) I'm hoping to research and write in the mornings over coffee and croissants at the flat, go for a jog in the early afternoon, and then the rest of the day will be for myself. I can deviate somewhat from that rigid schedule if need be, but that's going to be the general pattern. Thankfully, with deadlines looming, it will provide the necessary motivation to do my work (deadline panic is good for that) - and hopefully being in Paris will provide the proper stimulus to allow the writing to flourish. Wishful thinking? Let's hope not!

Anyway I do hope to be a more productive writer on this site over the coming weeks. I'll probably need the company, after all!

Hello summer

You've wondered where I've been, I bet. Ok, maybe you haven't... But I'm still here, and very much content that I can work outside, on the back deck. It's a mite muggy, but there's a nice breeze that's acting in my favour. It's not a very productive morning in terms of the work I need to do, so instead I'm working on my "personal writing" projects, which at least makes me feel the day is not a total waste. And I've got a full afternoon of reading ahead of me. (I got my running out of the way this morning when I first dragged myself out of bed, so no need to exercise at lunchtime.)

It's been a good couple of months since I last checked in. There was some travel: a glorious trip out to the Pacific Northwest that began in Portland, took in the Oregon coast, and eventually up and around (and in!) Olympic State Park/Forest in Washington, before landing for a few days in Seattle. Much hiking was done, along with eating plenty of seafood and quaffing pints of beer and glasses of wine. I was feeling a bit "off" before the journey, especially with work, but the trip seemed to refocus me. That's not to say I've bee super-productive since my return, but I have managed to get myself back on track with my various projects. (And I need to remind myself: what a privilege it is to be able to take this leave from work!)

Anyway this is nothing more than providing a very quick update. I will be more diligent about posting through the summer, especially since I don't plan on doing any long-distance travels until the fall.

Yes, it's been a while

We're closing in on the end of April, and here I am, keeping up the pace I started in February of posting about once a month... I can't even offer up the excuse of it being an overly busy month, although it did have its dramatics. The big one, of course, was the death of my beloved cat. I knew the day would come when I'd have to say goodbye to her, but I found the grief rather overwhelming. I thought it was somewhat unseemly to be grieving so deeply for an animal, but it helped to remind myself that she's the only pet I've ever had, not to mention she was the one constant and consistent companion I've had for 19 years. That's quite a relationship! I'm still digesting her loss - there's still a "muscle memory" of her being around: waking up to her purring on the bed, the ritual of putting food in her dish when I arose, topping up her water during the day, hearing her (usually untrimmed) claws on the hardwood floor - but the passage of time truly does help. I've got a couple of photos of her as well, so her presence continues to loom. She will be missed! And looking at the one positive, this does free me up for additional travel this year during my leave. I've got my sights set on France in autumn - and, if I can possibly swing it, a trip to New Zealand and/or Australia to end the leave in January. But nothing is yet set in stone (or even set in wet sand).

Otherwise things continue apace. One of the goals I had set for myself when the leave started was to write and read much more. My success in both has been mixed. But I've started to read more in the mornings when I first wake up, particularly short stories. (It's an idea I stole from another blogger I was in touch with years ago.) It's a good way to start the day, although another part of me thinks I should be writing first thing in the morning when my mind is still fresh. It's something I tried years ago when I freelanced, and advocated in the well-known book The Artist's Way. I used to refer to it as my "Morning Papers" - I just pulled the book and she calls it "Morning Pages." Close enough. (Now that I have the book out from my shelves, I might flip through it and remind myself of some of the other exercises it suggests.) And while I'm not writing very much on this blog, I have pulled out a paper journal to jot some notes, thoughts and other miscellany. (I've even dabbled in some poetry, but it's too clumsy to share - maybe "crap" is a better word here.) There are a number of writing projects I want to initiate, but they require ... well, some serious self-exploration. Just thinking about some of these projects makes me feel nervous! (In the end, they really just involve stupid self-indulgent, self-absorption garbage that surely interests only me.)

Do any of these projects have to do with my research project? Well, perhaps, but of course only peripherally. But again, I need to remind myself that the leave is also a sabbatical from regular work shit (which was becoming kind-of shitty, to tell you the truth), and if I can indulge in some self examination away from the day-to-day travails, then it will result in a happier and content me when I do finally go back into the drudgery of everyday routine. For now, I'll cut myself some slack with the indulgence.

Second month, in the books

Where did March go? Oh yeah, I was away for almost two weeks of it. And last week, my first week back, seemed like a bit of a wasted one given that I had a difficult time getting my head back into my work. I'm trying to cut myself some slack on my inactivities - not to mention I had a couple of other pressing personal issues to deal with (including a sad prognosis for my wonderful feline companion - the vet doesn't think her prospects are so good, although I'm hopeful that I'll manage to keep her alive through the summer). But a new week and a new month brings new energy, so let's use that to my advantage. It's also partly about finding a routine again: writing some in the morning, perhaps doing some reading, etc. I need to get my brain "warmed up" is usually the way I describe it.

And with that, I'm off to get some work done.

Some idle thoughts

Another work week is just about in the books - there's still this afternoon to get through. It wasn't my most successful week by any measure, but I did what needed to get done, so perhaps there's a small victory in there! I'm off to NYC next week, which will be much busier. And then from there, down to Florida where I'll be able to feel the sand on my feet. Needless to say, there's much therapeutic value in that for me.

I am a little angry at myself for not writing more. Not to mention I have no one to blame but myself! I had thought I would be able to write in the mornings, but there's been so much inconsistency so far with my mornings. Basically the routine I had in mind - wake up around 8, get some writing in before breakfast, and then do my research work after eating while having my coffee - hasn't quite panned out. I'm not waking up all that early, for one: I seem to be lounging in bed far longer than predicted, although I'll chalk that up to the continuing winter and the warmth of the bed sheets over the cold of the hardwood floor! I'm guessing that the warmer weather to come will aid on hauling my ass out a mite earlier. I'm also feeling ... well, largely unmotivated to write right now. I guess I'm going through a good long stretch of contentment - while good for my overall mood, it's not so good for creating a mood for writing! I guess I need a little bit of angst to help fuel me. Surely the contentment can't be chronic!

I bought a new journal when I was in San Francisco at the Museum of Modern Art - the cover is a Magritte painting - but I've barely filled a page yet. I had thought I could make that the paper source for the "Morning Papers" that I hoped to do - let's make that happen.

In short, this post is mostly about me whining!

Welcome March

Let's celebrate: two consecutive days of blogging!

Basically I just wanted to acknowledge that the first month of my leave is officially over. Only 11 more to go!

I'm off site today: I figured I needed a change of scenery, so I walked down to my local branch of the public library. The free wifi seems to work well, and the building is spacious with plenty of light. It's quiet too, although it's still difficult for me to see people bringing in coffee... (My friend L. tells me that it's ok to bring in food too. Not sure how I feel about that, especially if the person sharing my table brings out a massive meatball submarine sandwich.) But I'm going to do this often, I think, getting out of my space and working elsewhere. It seems to help focus me. That said, I've done a reasonably good job of staying disciplined at home. Yes, I've fallen asleep a few times while reading in the afternoon... but hey, I can justify that! (I guess.)

In doing some reading yesterday, there was a passage that resonated. It was about a poet who had been living in NYC for years (and was born in New Jersey), who had rarely travelled much at all, but who decided to sell some of his belongings, borrow a bit of money, and headed to Mexico. He felt the new environs and getting away from the nitty-gritty of everyday existence would give him the breather necessary to help him with his art. And it made me think: I need to view this leave in those terms. I mean yes, I have a project to complete, and it will take a lot of my time. But yet, I need to reconcile in my mind that this is also a means for me to take a step back from the 9 to 5 existence, to take a respite from the daily grind (such as it is - it's not like I'm working in the quarry) and to leave some time for myself to reflect and ruminate. It's such a luxury, and while I feel sheepish at times that I've been given this opportunity, I also shouldn't apologize for it or feel like I'm unworthy of it. Not to mention the break will mean a more refreshed me when I finally do get back to full-time at the workplace.

So let's work on that.

As the month ends...

So my plan to be a more active blogger hasn't exactly panned out as I would have liked! Oh well, I'm not going to beat myself up about it, especially since this first month of my research leave has been (mostly) productive. I've got a good start on my main project, while also toying in my mind a couple of other things I'd like to do over the next year. I was joking early on, after my first few days, that the leave was going to be over in no time. But of course now I'm realizing it's probably going to feel like a full year, especially when we get into the warmer summer months. A thought occurred to me: I still have a Christmas to celebrate before I have to go back to the daily grind! Happy days indeed.

I spent over a week on the west coast, which proved to be a useful research trip (albeit a little lonely at times - thank god for the craft beer!). I'm back home for a couple of weeks, then I'm hitting the road again: first to NYC to do some additional research, and then a breather in Florida for a week where I can walk on the beach, do some kayaking, and eat some seafood. I'll officially mark it as vacation, thus giving me an out from having to respond to e-mails and the like. (I've been told I need to take my vacation days

One thing I haven't been very good at is writing in a journal, which I had hoped to do every few mornings. I'm not sure why that's not happening, but I did buy a new journal (with a cover of a Magritte painting - I bought it at the SFMOMA). Not that that's a sure way for me to write: my apartment seems to be littered with half-completed journals! But try I will. Maybe the sad part is that I don't have all that much to say. My life seems so much more settled than in years past (with some exceptions): maybe I need more disruptions to fuel the creative gene. Although I'm not so good when it comes to a chaotic, drama-filled life. Maybe the quiet(er) life is my ultimate destiny.

As the week ends...

So I'm going into my third day of the research leave - and we're hitting the weekend too - but I think I can already identify some of the rewards and challenges. The rewards are going to be pretty obvious. Working at my own pace, for one, and being able to set a work schedule that works best for me. Granted, I already had a lot of latitude at my job - as long as the work got done, that's always been the most important thing - but there is something to be said for being able to, say, take 90 minutes in the middle of the afternoon to go for a run. Or to have a two-hour stretch where I can just read at my leisure. And, of course, I did take a nap on Wednesday, but that was easily justifiable given I didn't feel very well and I was heading to the opera later that evening. So it seems the only person I need to justify my work schedule is myself! Being able to listen to music (without headphones) while I work has been great as well.

There are some downsides to this solitude as well, which I will definitely need to be aware of and, hopefully, find adequate solutions for. It's been manageable so far: I went to the opera on Wednesday evening, and of course I'm probably on a "high" with respect to the novelty factor of the leave. But not having colleagues around me to banter with or trade ideas with will definitely be something I miss. Thankfully I've got those two research trips upcoming, so that will help focus the mind and distract me - although being solo in California won't be all that much fun! I also seem to be motivated so far to work, which some might find surprising since the fear of a deadline tends to be my ideal method of focusing. I think maybe fear of failure on this project is helping to galvanize me! Amazing how fear plays such an important role in my life...

I know, I think I was hoping this blog would be more exploratory about my life now that I have the luxury of time. Maybe just give me more time.

Day One

So, confession: I'm beginning this post a little later than I had hoped! After all, it's my first day of my research leave - why wouldn't I be keen to leap out of bed and begin in earnest this 2017 journey?! (I write this only in half jest.) But I was foiled somewhat by a restless cat in the early hours of the morning: she disrupted my slumber, so I had a bit more of a lie-in than anticipated and, frankly, planned. I need to remind myself, however: hey, I'm leave! My time and scheduling and pacing is all my own, and there's no need to justify it (except to my conscience, of course). Not to mention I am actually at my desk, the computer is on, and I'm typing away. (I also did answer a couple of work-related e-mails. It'll probably take some time to properly wean myself off that and confine my checking of that inbox to only a couple of times a day. I did promise in my auto reply that it would "infrequent.")

What's next then?

I actually have conjured a general daily work schedule in my head. In an ideal world, I will awake around 8:00. I'll read a little bit of the NYTimes on my iPad while I'm rousing from the slumber, then get myself up and out of bed for breakfast and coffee. I'd like to get to my desk sometime around 9:00 and begin the day with some writing - either on here, or with a paper and pencil (a la advice from The Artist's Way, which is something I tried many years when I used to freelance - I liked the morning writing that it advocated, so I'm going to try and revive that), as well as write some e-mail to some of my long-time electronic correspondents (one of whom I recently reconnected with). After which I'll then get down to the research project at hand, which also includes a considerable amount of writing as well as planning and other assorted tasks. This should take me to around 12:30 or 1:00, which will be my time to exercise: I need to ease my way back into running a full schedule, so I'm going to also put some yoga into that routine. And then shower, lunch, and the afternoons will be spent reading. So nothing overly ambitious on my part - and of course I do have the option to deviate when necessary from this plan - but definitely doable. I do like the idea of a routine though - some may think it's boring, but I find it helps with my overall creativity.

So there you go, Day One of the leave has officially started. Wish me well!

Listening to: Sonny Rollins

Hello 2017!

Happy 2017! But mostly, goodbye to 2016, which most people are glad to get shut of. I'm actually indifferent to last year - it certainly wasn't my best year (although please don't ask me which year is since I'll draw a blank on such short notice), but definitely not my worst. It falls somewhere in the middle, like most years. I'm not going to rehash the past year here - perhaps that could be another post - but instead I'm going to do the classic New Year's Day thing and come up with some goals/resolutions for 2017. (I got into a discussion last night about my use of the word "goals" versus "resolutions." It's really just semantics, in the same way I prefer "journal" over "diary.")

Obviously these are just guidelines. After all, how many people truly adhere to their resolutions through the entire 12 months of the year? Not to mention I always have one main one every year that I tend to slip in and out of: to be more disciplined. It's going to be a particularly important one for me this year since my work schedule is going to be entirely self directed and not beholden to the whims of a boss or the day-to-day minutiae of a 9-to-5 existence. It's a liberating, for sure, and it helps that I do have a deadline to complete the work I'm doing, but there's still a bit of a fear with finding the necessary discipline and properly motivating myself. Falling flat on my face is of course a strong motivating factor! So yes, let's again put that goal front and centre for 2017: to better discipline myself. It's an all-encompassing goal too since it embraces so many different facets of my life, from work to fitness to how I spend my free time. I like to think it's important to discipline the fun too (and I don't mean in an S&M way...), to make sure I leave myself the requisite time and energy to properly take advantage of the benefits (theatre! music! restaurants!) of living in a big city. In the end, it means not wasting too much time sitting on my ass and doing, well, nothing. I will report on this goal as the year progresses.

With that out of the way - and let's face it, that's the one that determines whether any other goals are met - let's perhaps set a few more goals for the year.

1. To write more often. That mostly means on this blog (even though I know it has few eyes, I remind myself this is more of a writing exercise for me), but I do have my large writing project I need to have completed for work by the end of the year. I'm going to initiate another blog as well for that project - stay tuned! Reading over my past blog entries, I realize that this is a good venue for me to keep up the writing chops, with the added benefit of chronicling "this place in time" of my life. I enjoyed revisiting my history, even though parts of it made me melancholic. (More on that in a future post.)

2. To read more. I know, another one that makes an appearance every year. But this one is important this year since, re-reading the blog, I realize I used to be a far-more voracious reader. It was partly because I was in a relationship with a woman for many years that didn't have a very good tv or cable package (!), and lived in a part of the city that wasn't open to hanging out at restaurants and pubs, so a big chunk of time we spent together was devoted to reading on her couch or in her backyard (since she was often busy running her own business that she had only-just initiated, or doing the gardening). I have my new reading chair set up in my study, and I've found in the short time I've had it that it's been conducive in reading more. (Environment is important, it's true!) The other key for me is to recognize that I'm not a "one book at one time" reader, that it helps when I have several books/articles on the go at once. It's just the way my brain works, so accept it and feed it thusly.

3. To take better care of my physical being. Yes, I'll admit, my running has truly lapsed of late, resulting in a bit of a weight gain. (Nothing to be overly concerned about, but I am carrying about 10 extra pounds that I truly do not need.) It hasn't helped that I've been dealing with a number of niggling injuries (the latest: a left ankle thing). But I've started running the stairs of the pedestrian overpass near my apartment (although I do take the long route to get there), which seems to be a good "quick hit" exercise. I'll add the long distance back into my running once I feel my various injuries aren't going to be a set back. The other part of the tending to my physical being is about ... well, I'll be coy for the time being. But tonight isn't the night to examine that. (Hey, I have a whole year to write on the blog - I need topics for the next 12 months, after all, so not everything needs to be explored this evening.)

4. "To thine own self be true." This is the big one for the year, even more important than the discipline goal. I will better explain this in a future post. It doesn't feel like a night to delve too deeply. Patience.

This is just a start. More to come!

Reading: Wolf Hall, the Sunday NYT, the Jan. 2 issue of the New Yorker
Listening: McCoy Tyner, Charles Mingus, some (mostly crappy) acoustical playlist on Spotify
Watching/Watched: Second season of Breaking Bad, The Bridge on the River Kwai, Rogue One, the Raptors west coast swing