The procrastinator returns!

Well well, look who's back! It's been over a year since I posted, so naturally I don't expect anybody to actually visit and read this. But perhaps in time, as I begin to rebuild my presence here. Why the hiatus? I don't have one clear answer - events conspired against me, but I was also just kinda lazy. I haven't really done a very good job of chronicling my year in my personal journal either, although that's another area where I'm trying my best to keep up to date. Especially as I go through this particularly trying emotional period.

On the plus side, I have been busy with both my work and my reading. I've still been reading, and some wonderful stuff too, especially over the last few months. James Salter, Peter Stamm, Tessa Headley, Philip Roth (some re-reading of him, which is a project I'm continuing) - all have made appearances on my reading nightstand. I'll start to write more about some of these books over the next couple of months.

I'm also engaging in another intellectual exercise: I'm preparing a proposal to deliver a paper at next year's Humanities Congress in Waterloo. Let's face facts: I'm no academic, and the paper I'm pitching is certainly not breaking new academic or intellectual ground. That said, I do think I have a decent idea for a presentation. Part of it is giving myself a project to work on through the winter. (I'm also doing some book reviewing, although that's more my speed than an academic paper.) I need to challenge myself, to get outside my comfort zone. Wish me luck.

In the meantime, since I'm sure not to have anybody say it to me, I'll say it to myself: welcome back! Watch this space.

Yes, I am a procrastinator!

Not that we need additional proof of how wonderful of a procrastinator I am, but the fact I haven't written on my blog in over a month is a clear indication of how lazy I can get with respect to my writing. It's probably why being a journalist for the first part of my career actually suited me: I needed that looming deadline to really buckle down and concentrate. I'm discovering this deadline need with respect to a newsletter I'm supposed to be putting together for a literary society. I had hoped to finish it up by the last week of June, but here we are, entering the first week of July, and it's still in an embryonic state. It's partly procrastination, but also fear: that perhaps I'm just not cut out to put this thing together, that I'm not really qualified. The job was thrust upon me by my current boss, and didn't feel I could really say no (particularly since it was presented under the guise as "resume building). Anyway I know I shouldn't fret much, especially since I get the impression that the membership of this society doesn't really read the newsletter anyway! Crank it out, and do better on the next one (in the fall) - that should be my immediate goal.

I'm also suffering under general restlessness of late. I'm struggling to concentrate on my reading. Should I chalk it up to the summer heat? Maybe what I need is something light and fun, perhaps a mystery. Yes! See, this is why I need to write more often (even if I don't have an audience): it does help to clarify my own  thinking.

Back home

I'm back from la belle province. The trip turned out mostly ok, particularly yesterday when I started to feel more comfortable with the society I'm a part of (I haven't been a member for too long, nor am I an academic like the majority of members). I've got a ways to go before feeling like I truly "belong" - but of course I need to remind myself that I rarely feel like I belong anywhere. I was also reflecting yesterday morning on the difference between people that are high achievers and are seemingly supremely confident in their abilities and intelligence (ie., pretty much almost everybody that presented a paper, including a 28 year-old librarian who does a similar job to mine but will far exceed my career achievements - she probably already has!) and middling achievers like myself. So much of it seems to come down to focus and discipline. I seem to have little of either: my mind is constantly wandering (I'm an inveterate day dreamer), and my work habits can best be described as "he gets work done in those ever-rare intervals when he's not procrastinating." I'm actually determined to work on these nasty habits, to improve my self-discipline, to add rigour to my work and thinking life. My big fear is that it's already too late: the proverbial dumb horse is already out of the barn.

Although, in a nice touch, I did have someone - a PhD candidate whose research area (around a private library and what it reveals about the collector) is totally fascinating - come up to me while I was in line waiting to grab a sandwich prior to the association's AGM yesterday afternoon. "I wanted to compliment you on your paper," she said. "You made some excellent observations." I thanked her, of course, but then added, "but I think you might be confusing me with someone else as I didn't deliver a paper." I guess all us men look alike. (Actually I did take it as a compliment because the guy she was confusing me with was quite good looking!)

A homecoming (of sorts)

So I'm in Montreal as I write this, here since Saturday late afternoon (after enduring a three-hour delay courtesy of Porter Airlines), and leaving tomorrow evening. I'm attending the Congress of the Humanities and Social Sciences (still remembered by many as the Learneds) at Concordia, primarily under the guise of some extra-curricular work I do for a humanities-based association (I edit its newsletter, and thus attend both the council meetings and events it sponsors). While I was somewhat looking forward to getting out of town for a few days, not to mention coming to Montreal (the city of my wonderful youth), my heart and mind isn't truly involved here. It's not that I'm having a bad time - a friend of mine delivering a paper is also here, so I've been hanging out with her, and some of the sessions I'm attending look interesting - but I'm not all that keen on venturing too far outside of Concordia's campus (ie., heading out to the east end to hang out along St. Denis, etc.). Which is odd, since I usually tend to take advantage of these increasingly fewer business-related ventures to engage in some fun and frolic activities and to help decompress. I think it's a lingering hangover from the malaise I've been feeling of late, that I'm not much motivated to do anything that gets me out of my comfort zone. I still feel like I'm in minor recovery mode, if that makes any sense.

These conferences, and the council meeting of this humanities association in particular, also tend to be tough for me, largely because they make me feel terribly inadequate. I tend to feel like I'm on such a steep learning curve with my supposed area of expertise, and forever fearful I'm going to be caught out as an intellectual fraud! So I'm always more on edge as I truly feel outside my comfort zone. (That's been the phrase of the week, actually, "comfort zone," beginning with a long conservation this past weekend with the lovely A.) But onward I go. And I have some "real" work to do, so I feel I can justify my non-presence at some of the less-than-interesting sessions scheduled.

A partial return

For those few of you that read this blog: no, I haven't died. (You probably figured that out, since the few that do visit here actually know me.) I haven't been much in the mood to write on this thing, however. I went through a fairly difficult melancholic stretch a few weeks back, which I still feel like I'm recovering from. Just your garden variety existential angst, nothing to be overly concerned about. I was in a bit of a reading slump too - still am, sort of, although I'm on the cusp of finishing Richard Ford's Independence Day, his 1995 follow-up to The Sportswriter, both of which are narrated by the protagonist Frank Bascombe. These novels, The Sportswriter in particular, have been eerily prescient in terms of shadowing my current mood and state of mind. At times, I feel a little like Frank: self reflective, mostly happy, but also seemingly in search of something - a connection, a sense of fulfillment, all the while knowing that it's not necessarily attainable. But yet we continue to search.

Short(ish) life (and other assorted thoughts)

Even though Yann Martel's new book, Beatrice and Virgil, is but a slim volume, and I'm about two-thirds of the way through it, I've decided to stop reading it. I read Martel's Life of Pi a few years back, and loved it. And while I do consider myself a patient reader, and willingly to give complex works the benefit of the doubt, this book is leaving me cold. There's still a lot to like about Martel's writing - he's a wonderful prose stylist, and he makes the craft of writing seem easy and effortless - but there's much to hate about Beatrice and Virgil. It's almost as if Martel set out to write something that would be contemptuous toward his readers. Or maybe fables about the Holocaust just don't turn my crank. In the end, life is too short to waste on something that's really doing nothing for me, even if I was almost finished. (I flipped through the final 40 or so pages and got the gist of it. That seems good enough.)

This is the second book in a row that has left me disappointed. Priorly, I read Ian MacEwen's latest, Solar, which was also a disappointment. (Actually that's not entirely true: Roberto Bolano's Monsieur Pain was sandwiched in between. It's tier B Bolano, but it's still great fun, and takes some joyously surreal turns for good measure.) Again, MacEwen is one of those writers who I admire (but don't necessarily "love"), and I'm also one of the few who thought his last work, On Chesil Beach, was a small masterpiece. But Solar was, overall, a fairly weak effort. The writing is, as always with MacEwen, sharp, but I found the story flabby and, at times, downright silly. Moreover, the main character felt a little too much like Philip Roth's Mickey Sabbath. In the hands of Roth, despicable characters are three dimensional and (almost) likeable; MacEwen, however, doesn't seem to have the immoral balls to pull it off.

So as you can see, I'm in something of a reading slump. A bit of a mirror on my life, actually, since I feel like I'm in a personal slump as well. Nothing to be concerned about: just your regular garden variety melancholy that strikes me every few weeks or so. (I was also battling a nasty head cold for a week, which wasn't fun.) I'm struggling to write, which is frustrating. I get into these periodic, existential "what the hell are you doing with your life" moods, but then I find some degree of purpose and snap out of it. First world problems, of course. I'll get beyond this. And hopefully I'll soon be taken with a great novel.

Happy Earth Day

So if I'm writing on my unplugged laptop during Earth Hour, is that ok? Well I suppose it'll have to be since that's exactly what I'm doing. I figured I'd be skipping Earth Hour this year because I was going to be out in Mississauga with the parental unit. But I made good time on the way home, so I walked in the apartment door just around 8:20 - plenty of time to light a few candles and prepare myself for this hour where we pay tribute to our lovely planet Earth. (I know, it's easy to be cynical about the idea of turning off the lights for one hour out of the year, but I'll resist the temptation. For one, my footprint is pretty tiny for much of the year anyway as I'm not a huge energy consumer.)

My week of reading neglected New Yorker short stories has turned out quite well. (There were also a couple of non-fiction pieces that I had set aside, so it was good to complete those.) I was able to throw into the recycling bin about seven issues, not to mention enjoying some wonderful stories in the process. One, "Awake" (available free online, and not even from the New Yorker) by Tobias Wolff, was, amazingly, from an issue way back in 2008! I have no idea why I've held on to it for so long - not to mention how since I was living in a different apartment back then, meaning I must have moved the issue with me. What folly! There were two glorious pieces which I'm glad I hadn't discarded before getting around to reading them (and both, interestingly, appear to be novel excerpts): "The Gangsters" by Colson Whitehead (whose fantastic novel The Intuitionist was one of my favourites from a few years back), and Jennifer Egan's "Ask Me If I Care." Egan is not a writer I've read before, but based on the strength of this fantastic piece of writing, I'll be seeking out more of her work. And I most certainly will read both the Whitehead and Egan novels.

It actually was a good New Yorker week all around for me as I was lucky enough to deal with one of the editors of its book blog, Book Bench. Results of my help/work should appear sometime in the coming week. It was quite heady for me to deal with someone that carried the newyorker.com e-mail address, not to mention the anticipation of seeing my small contribution appear online. I've been a New Yorker magazine fanatic (and oft subscriber) for about 20 years, so it's always been a dream to have some contact or connection with it. (In my early 20s, it was my dream to one day work at the magazine.) I'm actually quite giddy about it! It allowed me to end the week - which was already a pretty darn good one, what with seeing both Norah Jones and Catherine MacLellan in concert, as well as catching up with an old high school friend - on a wonderfully high note. (And adding to the general excitement is that I'll be back to being a city cyclist, courtesy of my parents who have given me an old but rarely used bike that was taking space in their condo locker. It just needs a few modifications: new tires, fenders, a bike rack, and some front and rear lights. I should be up and running - and thus freed from the Toronto Transit Commission - by the end of the week. Happy days indeed are here again.)