Ch, Ch, Ch, Change?

A lazy late Sunday afternoon. It's been a quiet Valentine's Day weekend for me, largely because the lovely A. has been out of town. She's scheduled to be back in a couple of hours, so that'll signal the end of a weekend filled with considerable solitude. In fact, it's served as a reminder - both the good and bad - of my bachelor days. I haven't been a total recluse: I met the fabulous R. for a latte yesterday morning at Lit, and later that afternoon I hit The Pilot to catch a set of Richard Underhill. (Whenever I see him, I have the urge to yell, "Get out of my house, roach.") But otherwise I've been laying low, although I did get in a couple of good runs in the park. (My leg seems to have healed from that nasty tumble I took the other morning on the icy sidewalk.)

So the only news to report is that I'm applying for a new job. As many of you know, I like my current gig - it's (for the most part) intellectually stimulating, challenging and fun. One of the drawbacks, of course, is that it's not a permanent, guaranteed position. (And I know I can hear some of you saying, "Well what job is?" Well, my colleagues are safe and secure because they have a form of tenure.) I've been going from contract to contract since Sept. 2005 - the first contract was renewed 8 months later, and I've been on a yearly renewal since. After the first year, I was moved from "casual" to "permanent," which basically meant I received benefits and other assorted goodies (union rules for contract workers who have worked in the same position for 16 months). Still, just around this time ever year for the last three years, I get on tenterhooks and begin to fret about my status come April. Given the current state of the economy, I've been especially worried about the fate of my position. After all, cuts are being made to the budget, and what easier way to trim costs than to jettison the sole person in the department that doesn't have guaranteed employment? I'm the proverbial low-hanging fruit.

Perhaps it's fate that a great job was posted mid week this past week. I've resisted the temptation to apply for other positions I've seen posted in the past couple of years, largely because I was confident (and hopeful?) that my current job was fairly secure. But as I told my boss the other day - I didn't want to apply without her knowledge (for one, I'd like her to be one of my references!) - this new posting is too good to not apply for since it requires my essential skill set. Obviously, I'd love to stay where I am - change is difficult, for one, and I like the environment (I'm a natural fit to the department's "culture") - but I can't keep passing up potential opportunities. It seems especially important since I could well be out of a job in just over two months.

It's funny how this opportunity has allowed me to reflect on my current job, and it's made me realize that a move would be beneficial. And not just because of the uncertainly of my contract. In some ways I've been stale, particularly since the fall when my colleague (and, technically, "supervisor") came back from a half-year sabbatical. While she was away, I was in charge of our little corner of the department - I made decisions, I did all the paperwork, I was the "expert." It was a good feeling, and one I think I handled well. My colleague and I, while we get along well, have some fundamental differences in how we view our work, about what we consider the most important part of the job. Moreover, since she's been back, she seems to be making the extra effort to show she's the boss. Just before the xmas break, for example, just after we had a discussion about our respective workloads and what I felt were the priorities, she sent me an e-mail headed "Your workplan" which spelled out the tasks she wanted me to do over the next few months. It rubbed me the wrong way, particularly since it directly contradicted what I felt were some of my priorities. It served as a stark reminder that, perhaps, I'm at something of a career dead-end with my work and position. As long as I'm under her - and she's extremely protective of her turf - there's no obvious career advancement for me.

Of course there's no guarantee I'll secure this job that was posted. And, in an ideal world, the fear of my leaving would galvanize the department and the overall administration to make me an offer I couldn't refuse. But those things never seem to happen to me - nobody has ever fought over me for a job. And on the plus side, if I don't get the job, my contract might yet be extended and I'll still have employment.

But once one starts looking, it's hard to think about going back to where one currently is. I wonder, in some ways, because I'm applying to leave, I've already left.