Loves listed

It's Valentine's Day today, a day that has traditionally been hit or miss with me. And not all the misses are what you might think: when I was single and lamenting that I had no one to share the day with. In fact, some of the worst misses have been when I've been in a relationship on Feb. 14. (The worst: the first and only one with AE, who compared my commitment to the importance of the day unfavourably to her soon-to-be ex-husband, who she said used to go all out on V-Day. "Great," I said, "then maybe I'll adjust my attitude and treat you like a queen on the 14th, and shit for the rest of the year." I did end up buying her some roses later that day.) Truthfully, I've always struggled with these "gift giving" days: Valentine's, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, etc. It causes me stress and anxiety, figuring out what to buy, how much is appropriate to spend, whether the gift I'm buying will be both wanted and enjoyed. I've been told to ease up on myself and not put undue pressure on myself, but I can't help it. It seems to be in my DNA.

I was pondering the other day about crushes. After all, we all love a good crush - and for most of us, we have a long history with them, going back to the earliest days of our childhoods when we started to become attracted to others in our social circle. We probably couldn't articulate it that time - hell, most of us still struggle to figure out how attraction works! - but it just felt ... different. I remember the names of my earliest crushes, going back to when I was just a kid: Dani-Ann (although I have no idea if that's how she spelled her name - she was the girl that lived on the French side of the street), Heidi (first girl I ever kissed!), Kim (the first girl I ever went to see a movie with, at Fairview Mall in Pointe Claire, to see the classic disco-meets-basketball film The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh). I wonder if these early ones stand out because they also had crushes on me? Or at least they must have since they allowed me to hang out with them. Surely there were others that went unreciprocated, which is perhaps why they have largely faded from memory. (Incidentally, both Heidi and Kim are today super-close friends, and I've reconnected with them via Facebook.) 

I've been fortunate to have had a number of fantastic long(ish)-term romantic relationships, going back to what was really my first: SG (initials only from here on in), where we spent a glorious summer between high school and the start of undergrad, staying up until dawn almost every day/evening, chatting, French kissing and touching each other. I lost my virginity with her as well, although, admittedly, our sex life was never stellar. (Sometimes I wonder if that experience set up a negative journey for me in terms of pleasures of the flesh. Although man SG had wonderful skin!) The others, in order (who I'd like to write about at some length in future posts): TS, AE, MG, AT, SB. (I'm worried I'm forgetting somebody here!) But then there are the crushes, at least the ones from the last dozen years or so and that did lead to some short(ish)-term romances. And by that, I mean there was nudity involved. In no particular order: ME, KH, MC, KL, AB, JF, MR. And there at least two (AD and JL) that I didn't act upon, so I never knew if they were interested or not. (I would be remiss if I didn't mention the one that made me a mite heartbroken since it wasn't reciprocated: RC.)

I know this isn't as much of an ode to all these amazing women as it should be. They will at some point receive their own posts - watch this space. 

The one additional point I wanted to make about crushes: I wish there was some type of means where I could have all the names of those who had a crush on me over the years. More important, whether there was a mutual crush interest that neither one of us acted upon. What were my missed opportunities? Maybe there's a lesson to be learned: that we shouldn't be coy or shy or hide these affections, although of course we might not always be in a situation where revealing ones feelings is ideal. I know that's happened to me on a few occasions. Anyway, really just food for thought.

In the meantime, Happy Valentine's Day to all out there!