Some idle thoughts

Another work week is just about in the books - there's still this afternoon to get through. It wasn't my most successful week by any measure, but I did what needed to get done, so perhaps there's a small victory in there! I'm off to NYC next week, which will be much busier. And then from there, down to Florida where I'll be able to feel the sand on my feet. Needless to say, there's much therapeutic value in that for me.

I am a little angry at myself for not writing more. Not to mention I have no one to blame but myself! I had thought I would be able to write in the mornings, but there's been so much inconsistency so far with my mornings. Basically the routine I had in mind - wake up around 8, get some writing in before breakfast, and then do my research work after eating while having my coffee - hasn't quite panned out. I'm not waking up all that early, for one: I seem to be lounging in bed far longer than predicted, although I'll chalk that up to the continuing winter and the warmth of the bed sheets over the cold of the hardwood floor! I'm guessing that the warmer weather to come will aid on hauling my ass out a mite earlier. I'm also feeling ... well, largely unmotivated to write right now. I guess I'm going through a good long stretch of contentment - while good for my overall mood, it's not so good for creating a mood for writing! I guess I need a little bit of angst to help fuel me. Surely the contentment can't be chronic!

I bought a new journal when I was in San Francisco at the Museum of Modern Art - the cover is a Magritte painting - but I've barely filled a page yet. I had thought I could make that the paper source for the "Morning Papers" that I hoped to do - let's make that happen.

In short, this post is mostly about me whining!

Welcome March

Let's celebrate: two consecutive days of blogging!

Basically I just wanted to acknowledge that the first month of my leave is officially over. Only 11 more to go!

I'm off site today: I figured I needed a change of scenery, so I walked down to my local branch of the public library. The free wifi seems to work well, and the building is spacious with plenty of light. It's quiet too, although it's still difficult for me to see people bringing in coffee... (My friend L. tells me that it's ok to bring in food too. Not sure how I feel about that, especially if the person sharing my table brings out a massive meatball submarine sandwich.) But I'm going to do this often, I think, getting out of my space and working elsewhere. It seems to help focus me. That said, I've done a reasonably good job of staying disciplined at home. Yes, I've fallen asleep a few times while reading in the afternoon... but hey, I can justify that! (I guess.)

In doing some reading yesterday, there was a passage that resonated. It was about a poet who had been living in NYC for years (and was born in New Jersey), who had rarely travelled much at all, but who decided to sell some of his belongings, borrow a bit of money, and headed to Mexico. He felt the new environs and getting away from the nitty-gritty of everyday existence would give him the breather necessary to help him with his art. And it made me think: I need to view this leave in those terms. I mean yes, I have a project to complete, and it will take a lot of my time. But yet, I need to reconcile in my mind that this is also a means for me to take a step back from the 9 to 5 existence, to take a respite from the daily grind (such as it is - it's not like I'm working in the quarry) and to leave some time for myself to reflect and ruminate. It's such a luxury, and while I feel sheepish at times that I've been given this opportunity, I also shouldn't apologize for it or feel like I'm unworthy of it. Not to mention the break will mean a more refreshed me when I finally do get back to full-time at the workplace.

So let's work on that.

As the month ends...

So my plan to be a more active blogger hasn't exactly panned out as I would have liked! Oh well, I'm not going to beat myself up about it, especially since this first month of my research leave has been (mostly) productive. I've got a good start on my main project, while also toying in my mind a couple of other things I'd like to do over the next year. I was joking early on, after my first few days, that the leave was going to be over in no time. But of course now I'm realizing it's probably going to feel like a full year, especially when we get into the warmer summer months. A thought occurred to me: I still have a Christmas to celebrate before I have to go back to the daily grind! Happy days indeed.

I spent over a week on the west coast, which proved to be a useful research trip (albeit a little lonely at times - thank god for the craft beer!). I'm back home for a couple of weeks, then I'm hitting the road again: first to NYC to do some additional research, and then a breather in Florida for a week where I can walk on the beach, do some kayaking, and eat some seafood. I'll officially mark it as vacation, thus giving me an out from having to respond to e-mails and the like. (I've been told I need to take my vacation days

One thing I haven't been very good at is writing in a journal, which I had hoped to do every few mornings. I'm not sure why that's not happening, but I did buy a new journal (with a cover of a Magritte painting - I bought it at the SFMOMA). Not that that's a sure way for me to write: my apartment seems to be littered with half-completed journals! But try I will. Maybe the sad part is that I don't have all that much to say. My life seems so much more settled than in years past (with some exceptions): maybe I need more disruptions to fuel the creative gene. Although I'm not so good when it comes to a chaotic, drama-filled life. Maybe the quiet(er) life is my ultimate destiny.

As the week ends...

So I'm going into my third day of the research leave - and we're hitting the weekend too - but I think I can already identify some of the rewards and challenges. The rewards are going to be pretty obvious. Working at my own pace, for one, and being able to set a work schedule that works best for me. Granted, I already had a lot of latitude at my job - as long as the work got done, that's always been the most important thing - but there is something to be said for being able to, say, take 90 minutes in the middle of the afternoon to go for a run. Or to have a two-hour stretch where I can just read at my leisure. And, of course, I did take a nap on Wednesday, but that was easily justifiable given I didn't feel very well and I was heading to the opera later that evening. So it seems the only person I need to justify my work schedule is myself! Being able to listen to music (without headphones) while I work has been great as well.

There are some downsides to this solitude as well, which I will definitely need to be aware of and, hopefully, find adequate solutions for. It's been manageable so far: I went to the opera on Wednesday evening, and of course I'm probably on a "high" with respect to the novelty factor of the leave. But not having colleagues around me to banter with or trade ideas with will definitely be something I miss. Thankfully I've got those two research trips upcoming, so that will help focus the mind and distract me - although being solo in California won't be all that much fun! I also seem to be motivated so far to work, which some might find surprising since the fear of a deadline tends to be my ideal method of focusing. I think maybe fear of failure on this project is helping to galvanize me! Amazing how fear plays such an important role in my life...

I know, I think I was hoping this blog would be more exploratory about my life now that I have the luxury of time. Maybe just give me more time.

Day One

So, confession: I'm beginning this post a little later than I had hoped! After all, it's my first day of my research leave - why wouldn't I be keen to leap out of bed and begin in earnest this 2017 journey?! (I write this only in half jest.) But I was foiled somewhat by a restless cat in the early hours of the morning: she disrupted my slumber, so I had a bit more of a lie-in than anticipated and, frankly, planned. I need to remind myself, however: hey, I'm leave! My time and scheduling and pacing is all my own, and there's no need to justify it (except to my conscience, of course). Not to mention I am actually at my desk, the computer is on, and I'm typing away. (I also did answer a couple of work-related e-mails. It'll probably take some time to properly wean myself off that and confine my checking of that inbox to only a couple of times a day. I did promise in my auto reply that it would "infrequent.")

What's next then?

I actually have conjured a general daily work schedule in my head. In an ideal world, I will awake around 8:00. I'll read a little bit of the NYTimes on my iPad while I'm rousing from the slumber, then get myself up and out of bed for breakfast and coffee. I'd like to get to my desk sometime around 9:00 and begin the day with some writing - either on here, or with a paper and pencil (a la advice from The Artist's Way, which is something I tried many years when I used to freelance - I liked the morning writing that it advocated, so I'm going to try and revive that), as well as write some e-mail to some of my long-time electronic correspondents (one of whom I recently reconnected with). After which I'll then get down to the research project at hand, which also includes a considerable amount of writing as well as planning and other assorted tasks. This should take me to around 12:30 or 1:00, which will be my time to exercise: I need to ease my way back into running a full schedule, so I'm going to also put some yoga into that routine. And then shower, lunch, and the afternoons will be spent reading. So nothing overly ambitious on my part - and of course I do have the option to deviate when necessary from this plan - but definitely doable. I do like the idea of a routine though - some may think it's boring, but I find it helps with my overall creativity.

So there you go, Day One of the leave has officially started. Wish me well!

Listening to: Sonny Rollins

Hello 2017!

Happy 2017! But mostly, goodbye to 2016, which most people are glad to get shut of. I'm actually indifferent to last year - it certainly wasn't my best year (although please don't ask me which year is since I'll draw a blank on such short notice), but definitely not my worst. It falls somewhere in the middle, like most years. I'm not going to rehash the past year here - perhaps that could be another post - but instead I'm going to do the classic New Year's Day thing and come up with some goals/resolutions for 2017. (I got into a discussion last night about my use of the word "goals" versus "resolutions." It's really just semantics, in the same way I prefer "journal" over "diary.")

Obviously these are just guidelines. After all, how many people truly adhere to their resolutions through the entire 12 months of the year? Not to mention I always have one main one every year that I tend to slip in and out of: to be more disciplined. It's going to be a particularly important one for me this year since my work schedule is going to be entirely self directed and not beholden to the whims of a boss or the day-to-day minutiae of a 9-to-5 existence. It's a liberating, for sure, and it helps that I do have a deadline to complete the work I'm doing, but there's still a bit of a fear with finding the necessary discipline and properly motivating myself. Falling flat on my face is of course a strong motivating factor! So yes, let's again put that goal front and centre for 2017: to better discipline myself. It's an all-encompassing goal too since it embraces so many different facets of my life, from work to fitness to how I spend my free time. I like to think it's important to discipline the fun too (and I don't mean in an S&M way...), to make sure I leave myself the requisite time and energy to properly take advantage of the benefits (theatre! music! restaurants!) of living in a big city. In the end, it means not wasting too much time sitting on my ass and doing, well, nothing. I will report on this goal as the year progresses.

With that out of the way - and let's face it, that's the one that determines whether any other goals are met - let's perhaps set a few more goals for the year.

1. To write more often. That mostly means on this blog (even though I know it has few eyes, I remind myself this is more of a writing exercise for me), but I do have my large writing project I need to have completed for work by the end of the year. I'm going to initiate another blog as well for that project - stay tuned! Reading over my past blog entries, I realize that this is a good venue for me to keep up the writing chops, with the added benefit of chronicling "this place in time" of my life. I enjoyed revisiting my history, even though parts of it made me melancholic. (More on that in a future post.)

2. To read more. I know, another one that makes an appearance every year. But this one is important this year since, re-reading the blog, I realize I used to be a far-more voracious reader. It was partly because I was in a relationship with a woman for many years that didn't have a very good tv or cable package (!), and lived in a part of the city that wasn't open to hanging out at restaurants and pubs, so a big chunk of time we spent together was devoted to reading on her couch or in her backyard (since she was often busy running her own business that she had only-just initiated, or doing the gardening). I have my new reading chair set up in my study, and I've found in the short time I've had it that it's been conducive in reading more. (Environment is important, it's true!) The other key for me is to recognize that I'm not a "one book at one time" reader, that it helps when I have several books/articles on the go at once. It's just the way my brain works, so accept it and feed it thusly.

3. To take better care of my physical being. Yes, I'll admit, my running has truly lapsed of late, resulting in a bit of a weight gain. (Nothing to be overly concerned about, but I am carrying about 10 extra pounds that I truly do not need.) It hasn't helped that I've been dealing with a number of niggling injuries (the latest: a left ankle thing). But I've started running the stairs of the pedestrian overpass near my apartment (although I do take the long route to get there), which seems to be a good "quick hit" exercise. I'll add the long distance back into my running once I feel my various injuries aren't going to be a set back. The other part of the tending to my physical being is about ... well, I'll be coy for the time being. But tonight isn't the night to examine that. (Hey, I have a whole year to write on the blog - I need topics for the next 12 months, after all, so not everything needs to be explored this evening.)

4. "To thine own self be true." This is the big one for the year, even more important than the discipline goal. I will better explain this in a future post. It doesn't feel like a night to delve too deeply. Patience.

This is just a start. More to come!

Reading: Wolf Hall, the Sunday NYT, the Jan. 2 issue of the New Yorker
Listening: McCoy Tyner, Charles Mingus, some (mostly crappy) acoustical playlist on Spotify
Watching/Watched: Second season of Breaking Bad, The Bridge on the River Kwai, Rogue One, the Raptors west coast swing

I'm coming back

I've been very much a reluctant blogger, at least over the past few years. I was an early adopter - way back in the early 2000s, in fact! - but then writing for public consumption (outside of the writing that actually paid) lost its lustre. Maybe I didn't have much to say, or that I felt increasingly uncomfortable about "putting myself out there," but it was really more about lacking the time and energy (more of the latter than the former) owing to a full-time job and ... well, life. But starting next year, due to a very fortunate work situation (paid research leave!), I'm going to have more time, and hopefully the energy, to actually be more circumspect. Thus, it's probably a good time to revive the Procrastination Nation. Truthfully, I feel I need the writing routine - it will be a healthy way to start my days, or to inject some thought into a day when I feel blah and unmotivated. Re-reading my blog, I sometimes think I was a more interesting person when I spent the time ruminating and writing on this thing. Although some might say I've never been all that interesting at all, which is a fair assessment! But I will muddle along.